So it seems perpetually self-satisfied music mogul Simon
Cowell’s ill-considered idea for a ‘DJ X-Factor’ is finally set to see the
cruel light of day, albeit via an online platform bafflingly offered by Yahoo
(cheers, guys).
While it’s not yet clear exactly what format this atrocity
will take, the flat-topped twat’s track record should be enough to tell you
that it’ll be about as appealing as waking up to find Jedward lying either side
of you with knowing smiles on their otherwise vacant faces.
How will it work? To my mind, it takes at least 30 minutes,
if not an hour, to get a feel for what a DJ is like, maybe even longer. It’s
about building a mood, a feeling, a journey (clichéd, I know) – how will that
be condensed into three minutes in front of an audience of over-excitable
adolescents and tearfully proud nans? And DJs who CAN cram it all into three
minutes – otherwise known as turntablists – already have their own talent show in
the form of the infinitely more credible DMC World DJ Championships.
How will contestants be judged? Mixing ability? Track
selection? How easily they can make that excruciating heart shape with their
hands? Whether they have some ridiculous gimmick like throwing cake at people
who’ve paid to see them? Will someone with the skills of Carl Cox or Sasha find
themselves rejected with a withering: “You’re not quite right for this show – I
mean, what are you going to do when it’s Abba Week?”
The advancement of technology has effectively meant that
anyone can download the latest top 10 tracks from music sites such as Beatport
and mix them together using the ‘sync’ button (which basically does all the
work for you). Great, but where’s the creativity, the imagination? Will someone
with real technical ability and a genuine understanding of the music they’re
playing lose out to someone who simply plays the chart-toppers and puts on more
of a show behind the decks?
What does Cowell imagine ‘clubland’ is like these days? Will
extra points be awarded for demonstrating your prowess on the microphone by giving
a shout out to the hen party down at the front or spitting out lyrics such as “remember,
folks, it’s half price WKDs at the bar until midnight”?
Will Cowell complain that drum and bass is “too fast”? Will
he put two different DJs together purely because “you look good and I think
girls will really like you”? Will there be a judges’ house stage where plucky
hopefuls are forced to fiddle around with expensive electrical equipment
precariously close to a swimming pool while the show’s equivalent of Cheryl Cole
(or whatever she’s calling herself these days) fights back tears as she stares
into the distance while managing to look bored, confused and angry at the same
time?
And on the subject of judges, who would they be? Fatboy Slim
literally told Cowell to “fuck off” when he was approached to become a judge on
the show in 2013. Could any DJ worth their salt lower themselves to this level
and then expect to be taken seriously? Or will Cowell call on the services of
so-called ‘superstar’ DJs such as David Guetta and Paris Hilton, who,
ironically, are probably better known for NOT actually mixing.
The bottom line is that a DJ competition will not make good
television. Turntablism aside, DJing is not a visual art – it’s about listening
and dancing to what’s being played. Good DJs work best in their natural
environment – the club, the rave, the festival, the squat party – where they
can feed off the crowd in order to shape and develop their set. No amount of fancy
studio lighting, overpaid celebrity guests, theme weeks or heart-wrenching sob
stories (“my dead grandad always wanted me to be the next Pete Tong!”) can ever
replicate this.
People: this is evil and must be stopped, or, at the very
least, ignored. Cowell is a parasite who loves nothing more than to feast on the
shattered dreams and bitter, stinging tears of the young, impressionable and
foolish.
You’ve already encouraged him by continuing to watch
X-Factor – don’t make the same mistake again. How will we explain this shame to
our grandchildren?
We’re better than this.
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