1. Watched a bit of ‘Farewell to the Planet of the Apes’ on the Horror Channel – specifically a bit where two apes were literally flirting with each other. Having checked that I hadn’t accidentally stumbled on to the more ‘specialist’ channels further down the list, my discomfort was further compounded by the fact they sounded like they were voiced by Carry On actors. I was half expecting a Sid James ape to stroll in at any moment, emitting a filthy chuckle from his grinning simian lips. Still, it can’t be anywhere near as uncomfortable as watching Grimmy acting like a sixth form tutor who thinks he’s still down with the kids.
2. Had a wee. I got up to go the bathroom, obviously – I haven’t
yet reached the stage where I keep a bucket by the sofa, although I may one day
look into setting up something involving a series of pulleys if the need
arises.
3. Microwaved a chicken biryani.
4. Ate the microwaved chicken biryani. It wasn’t bad,
although I did burn the roof of my mouth in my eagerness to consume said ready
meal.
5. Scratched my arse.
6. Ironed four new work shirts.
7. Wondered why shirts always come with so many bits of
plastic and cardboard (and tissue paper?!) stuck to them, ready to fly off in a
multitude of directions as you try to unfold your newly purchased garment. I
probably spent just as long picking up plastic clips from the floor as I did
actually ironing the shirts they were attached to.
8. Flicked through the channels and accidentally (ACCIDENTALLY!)
caught a few seconds of X-Factor in which Simon Cowell looked like he’d been
living in his car for the past few weeks. I wonder if he watches the show back
each week just so he can freeze-frame the exact moment a contestant realises their
dreams have been smashed to smithereens?
9. Wondered whether there had ever been a Smiths tribute
band called The Smithereens. And if not, could someone make it happen?
10. Wondered if I could come up with a solution to the world’s
problems during my spare evenings. I’m not promising anything, but I’ll give it
some thought, okay?
I regret nothing. NOTHING.
